The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
