My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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