this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
