Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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