the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
