dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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