Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
