And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
