I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
