I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
