i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize