Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
