i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
