I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
