put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
