he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
