I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
