I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
