Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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