Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
