i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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