I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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