Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
