ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
