Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
