i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
