My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
