i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
