He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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