i love accidental penises.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
