yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
