If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You were trust falling into bushes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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