My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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