Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
