nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
