My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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