just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
