I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
