I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
