saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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