sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
