I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
