So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize