I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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