I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
