well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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