I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
