"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
