I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
