took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
