i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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