woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You took a bar mat shot.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
