yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
