Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
