If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
