Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
