I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
