his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
