apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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