I'm eating all of the evidence.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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